Using ‘Sir’ or not using ‘Sir’…

Kinky London: the bondage and spank workshop
August 22, 2018
Serving my Master at Antwerp’s Leather Pride
February 27, 2019
Reading time: 3 minutes

It’s curious how different understanding of the words can cause unexpected conflicts or misunderstandings. Well, I guess this is the whole matter of communication.

Until July’s trip to London, and for over a year, when chatting or sending text messages to Doms that I was grateful for the fun in a past session, for their kindness or just for being good friends, I was ending the sentences with the ‘Sir’ tail. Not pretending to auto-assign me as their boy, but I just started adding this in chat as an appreciation. It was the way I just started using to set clearly the kinky context when talking, moving from my ‘daily me’ into the ‘kinky me’.

Who told me this was the way? Well, no one really, despite more than one Master I’ve met has showed a desire of being addressed in a certain way even if I was not His boy, but a NSA guy to have session sometimes. I’ve always tried to adapt to each story, but I never thought there would be a ‘best practice’ manual, a protocol… until this past July.

In the context of a BDSM gathering, in a comment from a Dom that was sent into a wider audience, I realised in that moment that there was a protocol that some people were following and that I was not aware. According to these rules, every time I was addressing some people as ‘Sir’ instead of let’s say ‘Sir John’, as per the protocol and communication agreements of this specific Sir I was sort of auto-assigning myself as his boy.

My first thought was… oh holy shit. Would it mean that every time I was accepting someone to call me Sir I was accepting that guy as my boy? Referring to this person as boy was creating some sort of bond I was not aware, maybe creating some expectations about a possible BDSM relationship? And that what I thought it was nice courtesy, turned to be a push-back on the other side of the leash? Are there some protocols in the English/British/American world that maybe me, as Spanish, it works differently? Maybe just none of the Masters I have been playing all these 15 years just didn’t care at all about this? Should I care?

After doing some research I’ve come to discover that, despite there are no universal protocols, and that every relationship is different and built with particular agreements, there is still a bit of common ground good to know beyond the 1-to-1 play, and that the general practice for the ‘Honorifics’ is that Sir or Master are to be used only for the one that collars you.

In gatherings of BDSM enthusiasts, people tries to keep in the ‘kinky’ headspace, so even if we agree or not of following the rules in our personal stories, knowing them helps reduce potential bad first impressions due to just misunderstandings regarding communication, and helps everyone continue in their headspace without further explanations.

Well, true that the gatherings I have most attended until now have turned to be made of couples or small groups playing “isolated” in the common space with very limited interaction between them.

But I can see that with common communication rules, those protocols, the party can just turn into a higher level of intensity with the extra dose of endorphins when the different Doms and subs interact following similar guidelines, making all those plays mixing like if it would be one of those symphonies where all players are putting the energy into a music of moan and cathartic ‘ecstagony’, this type of energy at play that makes the experience be one of these to be nicely remembered.

So while I learn more about the protocols, and as a first step, I have stopped using Sir alone, and start using Sir John, Sir Mark or whatever title the Dom prefers to use. Master alone will be reserved for He who has collared me. And in case of doubt, some silence and maybe asking how should I be addressing from that moment might be the key point. Probably some punishment and no reward will follow to such questions, but for sure will be deserved and accepted. And I will learn.

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