Gear is not consent

Conditioning with (not only) sounds
November 17, 2019
Kink discordance
April 20, 2020
Conditioning with (not only) sounds
November 17, 2019
Kink discordance
April 20, 2020
Reading time: 7 minutes

I do enjoy going to fetish parties. Being surrounded by kinksters in leather, rubber or uniforms is a big turn on for me. It’s about feeling surrounded by people that shares the same openness, and where you can take out that side without shame or feeling judged. At least by the majority, as opposed to what happens when you wear leather at the eyes of the city.

Fetish parties become that place where all possible wavelengths and all different ways in understanding kink come together. In a 1-to-1 you can determine the wavelength and the session must flow in agreement of the two. In a big fetish party, no one can expect and pretend that the other people will have the same understanding of limits and type of fun.

However, while everyone has the right to find those alike and play in common ground and rules, there is also the obligation of keeping a very basic rule that goes beyond etiquette: gear is not consent, nudity is not consent, ask first before touching someone. And this includes asking first before trying to stick the cock in someone ass too. For me this seems very obvious, but now and then I’ve found people not having the same understanding, which is what motivated to write this blog post.

I’m a tattooed fister, with piercings, septum ring and mohawk. In fisting parties at clubs, I guess my image is that of a pig. I see myself as a pig, but one that plays with condoms and gloves. As a pig, I like armpit smelling, sling play and quite a few of the things in pig play. Except, I bring a bag with my own creams, gloves and even disinfectant. I try to keep myself as healthy pig as possible.

I’m not the only one of course, but the play parties in fetish events have become more pig play parties, where people is forgetting that still consent must be asked. Interest in someone can be expressed in many ways, from touching the arm and making eye contact, or even a gentle touch on the butt, but really, trying to stick a dirty hand in someone’s asshole is not a good way to initiate a contact.

Let me share a pair of stories I’ve experienced myself from Folsom Europe and Antwerp Darklands, to illustrate two aspects of consent: the abuse without asking, and the negotiation when requesting consent.

I love Folsom Europe. I was in 2006 and 2007, when Berlin was still full of empty factories and the organization could easily hire 2 buildings and make an industrial atmosphere. This was the Pig party at the time, in Tempelhof and Pankow those two years. There was a huge dancing space in one building, and in a separate building the play area. The play areas would include slings as now, but also had spaces and furniture for those more oriented to BDSM. I was restrained at the stock, blindfolded, and then flogged by three different Masters, always under supervision.

The years have shaped the kinky scene, and it was Folsom Europe 2018 where I could see that BDSM in the form of spanking and flogging was not that predominant as before in the play parties. An explosion that has brought pigs feeling unrestrained to explore their fantasies, puppies that growl and bark, dancers that feel the vibe while dancing in neoprene harnesses, shorts and sneakers… The Big Pig party satisfies the current demand, the fetish scene as it is now.

Big Pig is now taking place in one fixed location, many floors in one single building. Very well organized, and well provisioned of slings. And then we were in one of the dancing areas, great techno, and that sling in a corner. It was the last night of Folsom, and I wanted so much to be fisted by my Master there, in that corner of that dance floor.

And I was. In leather, with vest, chaps and boots, I became the dancing puppet of my Master, flying on the sling at the rhythm of the music that was making my whole body vibrate, in ecstasy feeling my Master’s stocky fist, watching all the sweaty guys dancing a few meters far. I was in my headspace, just enjoying the connection with my Master and living the moment aroused by all the endorphins, being part of the party and watching it happening behind the dark shape of my Master. And as such a good ride that was, it had to eventually end. I had the urgency of hugging my Master, I was so happy for that moment having turned a big fantasy I always had into reality.

There is an important fisting etiquette as part of the landing. A hug and kisses, maybe some small massage around the hole, some words, some care, and then at some point, in a relaxed way, the cleaning, and finally the help to get off. And maybe even add some hidden tricks in the process, the icing of the cake, to leave a good taste. An experienced and caring fister will always follow this ritual and not going away and leaving you there on the sling as a piece of shit, when you are most vulnerable.

After the hugs, my Master moved at a side to pick toilet paper to go into the cleaning. I was on the sling with the asshole exposed, and in a matter of two seconds a guy came out of the shadows and without asking and just looking at my ass, went to stick his bare hand in my ass. Fortunately a friend of mine that was there at my side reacted and stopped him. I’m so thankful to him for that. The guy then went angry, even cursed to my friend, and left.

There was no asking. Probably he was used to see slaves and pigs used by anyone and not having to ask, but this is not excuse. That is abuse. If he was high? Possibly. It’s still not an excuse. Being high or drunk just will take out the real underlying mindset: the wrong idea that a slave and a pig don’t require consent. A wrong and dangerous assumption. Everyone must grant consent, even the consensual non-consent requires previous consent and discussion of limits. Even if the limits are that there are no limits, this must be agreed before.

And this is starting to become more frequent. For years I have witnessed that growing understanding of many that pigs would be those playing without barriers, ‘free’ as some people told me. You are wrong if you think that slaves or pigs are meat for anyone without right to be asked for consent. I do find myself as a ‘free’ one in the way I play, and I’m happy that anyone finds the freedom in the way they need.

And we must respect each other’s understanding of freedom and be inclusive in play parties, and not justify an aggression and abuse on the topic that pigs must be treated in a particular play. I wasn’t on the floor greedy for that guy cock, instead I was in a sling in my own scene with who I chose. Wearing leather is not consent.

And there is also a difference between slaves and pigs, which some people in the kinky scene might not be aware, or seem to ignore. Differently from pigs, slaves have rules as per the BDSM framework established in the M/s relationship. And as Master of my slave, I expect a deference toward Me.

I have been with my Master and my slave in Darklands 2020, just a pair of weeks ago. It was the first Darklands with my slave and I wanted it to be a great experience between us, our first Darklands together. And my slave, my toy, is mine. I decide where, when and whom I give consent to play with my toy.

A guy came and asked me for permission to touch my slave. Just like that, no warm-up conversation before the request. I declined the request gently, I used the excuse that we were going to leave anyway. Given his blurry eyes, I didn’t find it was the moment to go into explanations about being the first time with my slave there and that in that occasion it was my toy just for me and my Master. Neither was the moment to educate the guy in the approach I would have expected. Because, what was I going to get from lending my slave? He didn’t seem happy with my gentle push-back, but left.

The following day the guy approached again my slave in a moment that I was distracted. My slave came to tell me that he had been approached and just told ‘You are a bad slave‘, and vanished. I grinned to the situation, and I smiled and comforted my slave.

What did my slave do to be a bad slave? A good slave accepts anything from anyone? No. A good slave can ask for permission, but the decision is Master’s one. The good slave obeys. Consent must be asked to a slave’s Master, not to the slave. And a ‘No’ must be accepted. My slave had been a great slave for me. Not being free flesh for anyone doesn’t turn anyone into a bad slave. Indeed in my view, it brings value to the slave. People don’t appreciate the value of something given for free. And a well trained slave is very valuable.

Similarly, I will accept from my Master that he lends me to someone if it’s His wish. But I feel happier if I know that He is going to get something in return. It can be just the power it gives to Him in possessing something desired that he can use for a negotiation, just for the pleasure of that power. Maybe a beer or a drink, as the value in exchange of that transaction, which at the same time puts the slave to the mere value of a cheap drink.

I really hope that the stories and the repeated messages through this writing makes an impression in some kinksters. Guys, not everyone attending a party wants to experience the same things. Big fetish events are for every taste, different understandings of how the scenes and plays.

If someone wants meat-for-all, there are plenty of parties that can be attended, dark basements are starting points for such type of play. I know the rules in those scenarios and I wouldn’t change them. Of course, if I want the BDSM framework to be strictly followed, I will attend a BDSM party with Dungeon Monitor. Of course anyone attending these ones must adhere to the rules and etiquette and bringing the pig play framework into them is not welcome, as well. But in fetish parties, we all want to enjoy in our way. Respect it please.

Always remember that permission comes before forgiveness. Gear is not consent. And slaves are not free objects at anyone’s convenience, unless previously discussed and consented. 

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