Kink discordance

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We are going all through unusual times again on these days of Covid, not that different from those early years of the ‘gay cancer’ pandemic that, besides killing so many people and stigmatizing an already vulnerable group, it blew up all plans, putting on hold parties and sexual gatherings in a sort of similar way as today.

It’s a time of uncertainty, that is forcing all of us to adapt to these sudden changes. Stressed, fearful, helpless, frustrated. And for me, as for many kinksters, the escape valve for usual stress and frustration has just been put on hold as well, because who holds the leash of my collar and facilitates my meditation lives 1412 km far away.

My escape valve, my meditation, happens restrained to a cross, gagged and flogged, rather than on a fancy yoga mat. This is what really brings me mental rest, and full disconnection. A temporary disconnection from a fulfilling but challenging vanilla-flavored life where I develop my career and where I cannot ignore responsibilities, a break where I fully embrace my slave side, serving my Master for a long weekend or a full week when possible.

I’m pretty sure you will understand that despite the stoic attitude I’m trying to bring up, I’m indeed climbing the walls. Last week my frustration crossed the red line – the virus, changes at work, having stopped smoking… and the discussion with my husband escalated. And the inability of getting my meditation ended in the aspect of being in a kink discordant relationship and its viability.

I’ve been in a kink discordant relationship for 20 years because I fell in love with my vanilla husband and we managed to make that first spark of the match light a long-lasting fire in our fireplace.

I accepted my BDSM side one year after being together, close to my 22nd anniversary. And of course, a pushy boy as I was already, I tried to convert him into a Dom. Indeed, I had convinced myself that his dominant personality was as a trait of an emerging Master, reinterpreting the signals to keep that fantasy that one day he would tie and spank me. He indeed tried, but not only it wasn’t triggering any arousal on him, but being a real turn off as he was not able to cope with the aspect of hurting me.

Instead of holding back those desires, building up frustration or cheating, we agreed on trying an open relationship, with the main rule that if at any time if this would cause distress to each other, the agreement would be again discussed.

And open relationships, regardless of how open minded you are, bring up crises. We had to learn to go for adjustments and trade-offs. I discovered that there was a rule important to follow in all circumstances – not going out for a play if there had been an argument that day or there was an ongoing unresolved situation, as this was going to add fuel to the fire.

As the second element, I can see now how important has been having started a sincere communication from the moment the need is materialized. My kinky cards were put on the table short after they came to the hand. This doesn’t mean that coming out of the closet as a kinkster cannot be done after years of relationship, just as early as possible the kinkster accepts these sexual desires and needs.

Not fulfilling the sexual needs, regardless of being a kinkster or not, will just end getting more and more frustration piled. And cheating, even the out-of-sight-out-of-mind approach many couples implicitly take, easily adds resentment to the boiling pot, that will be unspoken but present in arguments to come.

But besides having an open relationship and good communication from the beginning, another element has been key in our case to make it work – we are geeks, so we have mutual understanding and acceptance of the different tastes of each other, regardless of the ‘hobby’, lifestyle or form of expression.

We are particularly familiar to what means being judged by narrow minded people. And I believe that kinksters need to accept that at the eyes of many vanilla people (even gay), having a huge collection of dildos and walking while having one stuck in the ass with the shape of a tail and wearing a mask, might be seen as nerdy.

While it doesn’t matter what people in general thinks of your kinks, a kink discordant marriage will go through difficulties if the kinky side is not seen with respect as a way of expression or a serious lifestyle, but as a clowny parade.

My husband might not be into it, but he is happy to see me happy at his side in leather, he makes kinky presents to me now and then and gets involved in my kinky conversations, my desires and dreams. He has not only accepted my M/s side, but being part of it, even building some complicity with my Master, and he supports me in my dream of having my own playroom someday.

And these three elements have been the pillars of our kink discordant marriage, something that is pretty common and that can perfectly work.

It’s not necessary about leaving behind that person you fell in love with before having discovered the joy of licking leather boots and being humiliated, unless that person cannot accept this side, and expects that this is hidden and not to talk about. But there must be common ground with shared hobbies, tastes and friends.

On the other side, like in all social groups, kink discordance can set some lines difficult to cross in regards of group socialization. It might be difficult to host a leather dinner at home without excluding your other half, as the topics in common with most of the people are going to be kinky.

I personally separate both worlds, and I think this can be perfectly managed. However, leather families might then extend the invitation to your other half, as it happens in the usual dynamics of reciprocity, and keeping such separation might add some difficulty to building up that closer relationship.

And of course, kinky couples can dispose of all holidays to attend all the leather events, rather than having to split those days in balance with the husband and the kinky lovers!

However, after years of getting to know kinksters in long-term relationships, I’ve realized that their relationships are not much different to mine. They also evolve and go through similar phases and crises as any other couple.

Kinky tastes change and many times the couple stops playing with each other because now the practices and limits have diverged so much from the other side. As Dan Savage relates in this chapter of Watts The Safeword, two kinksters can easily end in a kink discordant marriage as well.

I don’t think that embracing the 24/7 lifestyle is idyllic and exempt of moments of frustration. Nothing is static and permanent, either the own needs or the environment itself, and tension might appear suddenly breaking all our plans.

Either in a 24/7 kink lifestyle or in a kink discordant relationship, there are always new discussions and negotiations.

However, as I see it the divergence of both of them comes to what type of circle of friends and family one wants to embrace, and in which way and at what extent the kinky scene is desired to be integrated in one’s life.

One option is seeing kinky life as having fun and sex now and then, living those moments as disconnections from the daily life, but not willing to transform it into the quotidian lifestyle. Or maybe rather than just now-and-then disconnection, what is being looked at is at the full socialization and integration with kinky couples and families, living a full leather life where the vanilla world is not part of the inner circle.

Despite those moments of frustration like it happened last week, when I felt I wanted to disappear from all problems and be in a dungeon 24/7 being flogged all day, I’m keeping the first option as my reality. This is what, at least at this moment, is keeping me happy and connected with my needs and wishes.

But regardless of the path one decides to take, what matters at the end is that each of us builds the type of relationship that serves the own needs in a way that is fulfilling to all parts involved, either including one person or multiple people.

This is why clear and open communication with honesty to oneself and to the other half must always prevail, with no fear of the consequences that arise from those healthy discussions, unavoidable in tough times.