Fantasies and their limits

Sexual fantasies are those desires that bring energy to a scene. My Master taught me that the key in building a session for a sub is to connect with his fantasies. While the sub believes that can get a fantasy accomplished through a session I plan, I will have conquered desire. This is why I find so important to dig into the fantasies during the interview process because the story will only work if have the knowledge and the willingness to eventually fulfill any of those fantasies.

And I say eventually because there are at least two reasons not to accomplish a fantasy in the first session: first, there is a big difference between having a fantasy and being ready to experience it, and secondly once the fantasy is accomplished, it’s not a fantasy anymore and the interest for a future session will depend of existence of other common fantasies.

Novelty is a common element of sex, specially for kinksters. Facing the unknown feelings kicks off the adrenaline that arouses so many of us: the first time you are restrained on a rack full of belts, the first time you try that vacuum cube, the first time you get that fist inside the ass… And so many times those moments are tied to having fulfilled a long time fantasy, so it’s a huge flight, a big gratitude with the partner in that moment, happiness, crying…

And in the aftermath, new desires for more start taking shape. Once the fist has been inside, the new fantasy is reaching the elbow; once restrained on that rack, it’s about all the rubber and maybe tubes that relate to breath play; and maybe now the vacuum cube is boring and the next shiny exciting fantasy is going for rope suspension! While the past experiences are hot and bring us happiness, we start building new fantasies to be used when jerking, sometimes constructed on top of the fulfilled ones. Sounds familiar?

I can play with someone and fulfilling a fantasy in that session, and that will leave a great memory of our one-time story. But just because in long-term relationships novelty is what keeps boredom out of the playroom, this means that if I want to engage in a long-term story with a boy or Master, the journey will end having a series of milestones in the form of accomplished fantasies.

These milestones need to be spaced on time. I realized it’s a mistake bringing too many things in a series of sessions separated by a short time. It’s easy to let passion drive sessions in such way and end delivering ritualistic sessions, many fantasies and shared kinky events in just a few months. Such rhythm can easily bring indigestion instead of the desired feeling of fulfillment. And more important – it can arise feelings of fear.

We kinksters are fearful of going beyond limits, but also fearful of realizing that limits expand or disappear. And as boundaries expand once a fantasy is accomplished, it can be scary to think of our future and question where this journey is heading us to.

BDSM is not just about pushing limits, but being emotionally ready to deal with the new boundaries and understand the implications of it. Because in the kinky journey, eventually the new fantasies can be beyond the limits we found once uncrossable.

And if this happens and I’m suddenly scared, I remind to myself that not all fantasies are there to be accomplished, that while I have a variety of them I can choose first those within my limits.

And while I make firm steps towards those desired scenes, I ensure I keep strong anchors in my life: my husband, my vanilla family, my leather family, my friends, my career, my hobbies, my dreams…

I’ve witnessed too many lost souls in the spiral of fantasies and pleasures, too often a sweet escape from a crisis or a difficult reality, forgetting that some experiences might leave scars in the best case.

Pushing the limits in our scenes can be done without fear if doing progressively and we keep healthy and strong those anchors that will prevent us from getting lost in the dark forest of the limitless fantasies. And if at some point we fall into the spiral, we just follow the rope to our anchors, our closest friends, and we take the time it takes to heal.