Compatible attitudes

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Now and then a session doesn’t work. I might have had that beer in a pub and felt good chemistry (check!), that we both were sharing the same ground (check!) and that there weren’t unrealistic expectations (check!), and that both were going to get what we wanted. 

And still, the fire hasn’t started and all matches have been burned.

In my early years exploring my Dom side I would often feel in those occassions that I had failed to my sex partner and to myself, as being the one in charge I had to have the skills and experience to build a good session and to adapt to any unforeseen that could be causing a comedown.

I was wrong. It’s impossible to have good chemistry with everyone, regardless of the skill level.

When I think of the commonalities of the best BDSM and fisting sessions I’ve had, I realise it was not about the country of origin, the wealthiness, being introvert or a social butterfly, or the age. What they had in common were a few attitudes, that made those sessions memorable.

Commitment

Meeting someone for the first time for a BDSM session makes everyone nervous. Over 20 years and I still feel today that moment of intimidation in the first session, every time. It feels like the ‘no turning back moment’ when ringing the bell in someone’s house. But we are adults, and once the commitment is made, it should be honoured. 

There’s of course space for the unforeseen, and it can happen at the last minute. But no-show followed by sudden silence and lack of responses is not easy to justify. 

No-shows happen. Now I smile thinking of the time that I was carrying a 25 Kg suitcase with gear and crossed the city north to south, and I waited a pair of hours until I had to accept the session was not going to happen. I just move on, telling myself that it’s better that it didn’t happen.

It still leaves a soar taste in mouth for not having conquered enough trust from that kinkster.

So when a sub or slave appears on time in the first session, I’m very happy and grateful for having found someone that overcomes the natural fear and commits.

Reciprocity

This is for me the sexiest attitude of all – the true willingness of pleasing our play partner as much as we want to be pleased.

As much as I try to know the sex triggers of the other person, I also need my triggers fulfilled. As much as I love to find out what excites the other side and which are his fantasies, I love when he also shows a true interest in knowing what I like, what are the parts of my body that excite me, which are my fantasies.

Doms enjoy when a boy shows true interest in their triggers. Adding ‘yes Sir’ at the end of a sentence can be a good starter for many, but usually it’s not enough. Triggers are diverse – screams of pain, brat behaviours, the submission understood as being active and serve, the submission understood as quietness and letting all go… Each Dom has different triggers, so I would make sure we tell a Dom clearly ‘how can I better serve you?’ rather than expressing ‘will you do to me this fantasy?’.

Subs as well enjoy when a Dom shows interest in finding their triggers too. True that there are subs that enjoy a total power exchange (TPE) situation. These find mindfucking just being used by the Dom at his will. But many don’t play under TPE, and also expect the other side to get to know the triggers. 

In M/s, a Master can exhibit reciprocity and still keep all power and control. For example, getting to know the favorite positions and fantasies of the sub and make them happen unexpectedly as rewards.

Respect

Respect is the attitude of esteem towards the other kinksters, of treating everyone kindly regardless of the side of the leash, and regardless of style and badges. As the folks from KinkAbuse brilliantly describe, I don’t have to like someone to show good manners. 

I think an attitude of respect happens when both sides are being valued.  Every Dom deserves being valued. Every sub deserves being valued, as well. With every interpersonal relationship and also with the community. Even in the most imbalanced D/s and M/s stories it’s pure symbiosis, both shine together. At the end of the day, we are individuals with wishes and feelings.

Respect is also about understanding what for that person means showing respect and what would be felt as disrespectful. 

And, here comes the problem, because everyone has different backgrounds and stories that have shaped a different understanding. 

For example, is gossip disrespectful or is it a way to build a trust network and ensure safety within a community?  Is honesty always a show of respect, or can be a big offence if perceived as a lack of respect for hierarchy?

With so many understandings, this can become the biggest barrier for a story to continue if both sides are not sharing common ground.

Laid back

Let’s not take things too seriously. Real sex is not a porn film where you can do multiple takes until the scene looks hot. 

Real sex is messy, unpredictable and with breaks after something broke the magic. A mistake, an unexpected laugh, a fart… Maybe suddenly in the middle of flogging, Spotify switches from that techno tune to that Madonna song which doesn’t fit the scene. Or that talented hole that stretches to 2 fists is not clean anymore.

We can be all detail oriented and have envisioned an amazing flow, and messiness will still happen. There will be bad days, days of not being focused, a moment of distraction,…

The list of anecdotes grows with each new session. So let’s just enjoy those moments with humour and acceptance. Imperfection, as human as it is, is very sexy.