10 tips to prepare a BDSM session

Chastity and orgasm denial
February 12, 2023
Reading time: 12 minutes

I like sessions with a take off, high altitude flight and a proper landing, with the challenge of touching the limits, the music of screams and moans, the sexual energy and the calmness and intimacy in the aftercare. For a long lasting fulfilment, I need to have a connection, which I definitely cannot build in just a few minutes with someone I have just met in a kinky gathering or sex club. First contact in such scenarios might bring a good rush and help break the ice, but I’ve now learned that rushing into a party that same night might not bring fireworks easily.

It’s not about building a session from a premade plan – plans are rarely followed as prepared because it’s the energy of the moment on both sides that shapes the session, but having a plan allows peace of mind as things are ready at hand, and still bring the flexibility and adaptability required to build something together with the play partner.

Being prepared definitely increases the chances of getting a smooth and exciting experience, as knowing in advance which areas of exploration are common ground will reduce chances that a specific play triggers a disconnection and potentially a session crash. And by having thought of some plays, we will avoid going into a sudden stop in a scene that just started because then we realise that the needed tool is missing.

So let me share some thoughts around how I prepare a session. Note that some of them are more specific to building a first session, so as I move forward to further sessions with a boy or slave, the work around trust, do’s and dont’s is already there. 

Writing down the do’s, the done’s and the don’ts

During the first meeting in a pub or coffee shop I already get a first glance of what are the desires and limits of a sub, however for me it’s more to make sure that it’s a match in regards to wavelength and activities. After the first gathering, I start looking at the details that I need to know to build a good session.

It’s then when I start writing down some private notes, where I make sure I clearly identify the hard limits, the soft limits, the things done and the things that the sub would like done.

I find it very helpful because on the day of the session I will be able to confirm my understanding with the sub of what we won’t do and what we might do. I feel that by doing this I’m showing my true desire to respect limits as I’m actively learning them, and also it will allow me to prepare some rewards as session milestones as part of a tentative plan.

Building an ‘offence log’ from the first gathering

Brats are playful, and tend to express some degree of insubordination or cockiness, so I give them a special treatment to limit their willingness to make mistakes. I don’t usually punish when the brat misbehaves, because that is what a brat is looking for, and this would be giving control to the brat. I prefer to write down mistakes and insubordination in a separate spreadsheet, the ‘offence’ log, and use it when not expected. 

I’m very much into impact, pain and punishment, and in general around mistakes and offences, as part of a training through which the same offence is not expected to occur more. If this is agreed by the sub, I create an offence log private and specific to him, in the style I learned from my Master who created one for me.

Unpunctuality, mistakes, insubordination and cockiness is registered. It usually stimulates a brat as it proves that the efforts of getting attention are not ignored, and at the same time puts a limit into the bratiness because at the end it serves to bring punishment, very different from reward. I use colours to determine the degree of pain that the punishment will bring (orange, red, purple and black, as the colour of bruises). If the sub sees lots of red or purple cells, he knows that he will be punished harder and tends to stop misbehaving.

If the story evolves into a more strict M/s relationship with prospects of slave ownership, with its agreed protocols and progression with a learning path, then the blog is a way of having ‘reasons’ to build scenes around slave training, worshipping and ritualism, which might tend to expand limits and bring a deeper subspace. 

Countdown and session pre-brief

I find that when scheduling a session weeks or months in advance, it’s good to heat up things a pair of weeks in advance. It’s very easy that work and life makes us forget about checking regularly with people. I don’t mind if a sub or Dom hasn’t checked in with me for a while, but I find it important that both sides get to start a reconnection at least in the week before a session. I would feel cold if it’s just 2 days before a session and I didn’t hear anything. And this should be happening on both sides – I don’t think that the sub is the one to checkin always, and as Master there is also the responsibility of showing interest, as otherwise a one-way approach will definitely end affecting the relationship.

It works quite well for me with a countdown of 20 or 14 days, with some images and/or kinky suggestions. At the end is my choice on what I will bring to the session, but last minute wishes might get their place if the sub has served well.

And even more important than the countdown, I’d say is to meet around a coffee or beer in the 1 or 2 weeks before the session if possible, for a good chat, to talk about the logistics and also to double-check the dont’s and do’s list, or anything that arose recently that might impact on the agreements. I usually repeat the understanding of the limits (yes, again), as sometimes it might have happened that the sub tried something on his own and a hard limit is now a soft one or even a strong fantasy. What I want to make sure is that I know for sure 3 to 5 things that the sub really wants, and what things might be explored but not sure of how this might result. 

Drafting a tentative plan with milestones around the 3 to 5 things

It takes some time to build the play space and time to pack, for which reason I don’t go for a session for just a pair of hours. I enjoy one full day to get the most of it, being two days my real preference because it allows us to have a first day to get the trust and see how the energy flows, and a second in which it’s possible to readjust the session with more intensity or different areas of exploration, to make it more joyful. 

During the session pre-brief I also discuss the aspect of energy and scene spacing, as it’s important for the planning of transitions but also to set very clear expectations. 

Each individual has different needs around the pace and breaks, so I find it necessary to discuss during the pre-brief aspects around energy, needs around breaks and needs around indoors and outdoors: how long have sessions lasted in previous experiences? Ever went into 24×7 as in a continuum? In that case, with splitted scenes separated by breaks or a full play continuum? Would it be desired to include outdoors activities unrelated to BDSM as mental breaks or the dream is to be closed and chained for a long weekend without freedom of going outside?

This allows me to know if I should plan a continuum of scenes without leaving the play space or if I need to incorporate a coffee break into town where I might want to build a protocol of behaviour to still operate in 24×7 mode. 

I will then think of 3 or 4 milestones based on plays that align to the reward zone of the sub. Milestones are those prepared scenes that I can go to any time knowing that they will trigger excitement in this sub. In a scene there is a lot of experimentation around new things that not always will generate desired excitement, so I look at keeping the sub always high by having milestones ready that for sure will be desired, and that I can quickly adopt as smoothly as possible, to bring a continuum across the different scenes. They are also safe places for the sub, as they are based on activities that are known and liked.

I plan one first milestone as a start. Usually with some restriction around a bondage board, a chair or a sofa, and with some impact because this starts generating the endorphins, which facilitates relaxation and submission. As scenes might take around 30 to 40 minutes, with some transition time, as Master I already plan thinking that each scene will take from 1 hour to 1 hour and half. I will tend to have one ready as a mid-session break, and a last one around the general activity. I like to introduce a last one around fisting if both sides enjoy it. If the sub is relaxed, becoming my puppet tends to be a very good way to build intimacy and transition then to aftercare.

The length of the session will depend on the energy on both sides of course. From experience, I know my limit tends to be around 9 hours of play, so as said I tend to get well those 4 with transitions in the form of lower level play or interplay aftercare, and moments of rest around eating, ending with aftercare in the form of massage.

Managing the energy by distributing milestones across long period of days

The more days a gathering has, the more important it is to manage the energy well and not burn it all in the first 2 days. The energy is limited. With more days I’ve learned to distribute the 3 to 5 milestones, so there is not more than one per day, spreading the energy.

I might go  for outdoor activities (e.g. visiting the town, going for a beer or walking in a park) where I would introduce some protocol to follow in vainilla contexts, if the weather allows.

I can tell you about a few times when I didn’t ration things properly and I was destroyed and exhausted on day 3, and still with 3 or 4 days ahead. It’s not a drama if this happens and I’d say it’s better to discuss openly and rest one day to have good energy on the last day. It tends to leave a better taste if the energy required by the activities is even across all days and ends in a strong one with intimacy in the form of fireworks, rather than a rushed start.

Music for play and music for aftercare

I need music in my sessions, it drives my energy and the rhythm as well. I love to dance with my hands inside a greasy hole and get the moans at the spikes of the melody. I love to follow the beat when using the flogger, raising the intensity when the song rises.

I like to get to know the type of music that the other side enjoys. If it matches the rhythm I need and I connect with it too, then I use that one because it integrates both sides of the session background. And this is how I also get to enjoy new playlists, so I incorporate them into my kinky playlists.

I have a group of playlists with music that I like for fisting and impact, most of them uptempo rhythms based on progressive trance/house. What I like of progressive is that it incorporates into play as waves with gradual increases and decreases, which facilitates smoothness in the play and subspace trip. With rock music I feel it doesn’t support smoothness, is intense and quick – I could do it for punishment where I don’t want to facilitate the subspace and make it feel harshly intense, but at some point I would have to switch back to progressive to transition from punishment to reward mode.

If the scene is around ritualism and worshipping, I go with electronic downtempo rhythms, chill-out and even church/liturgical music. Also if it’s the last scene, like fisting, I might want to introduce the chill-out and relaxing ones, as to prepare the mindset for after-care when I’d look for the zen relax style of music.

And I always have a few of them already downloaded in the phone, not to depend on network connectivity to bring the rhythm.

‘How’s the energy?’ The slave’s need of maintenance

From a boy I expect mistakes and some degree of insubordination that I might prefer to ignore. From a slave, I expect full obedience from the moment that the collar is locked around the neck, and until it’s released and kissed in gratitude. Mistakes can happen, so does punishment happen too. However, sometimes stress days bring a true need for disconnection through BDSM, and a slave might start misbehaving to get some quick relief. And becomes pushy. And then I must punish the slave, meaning that might not get what is wanted, for not keeping the right attitude. And this can generate disappointment and more stress on the slave.

My Master was the one introducing the concept of maintenance, understood as the need of calming down the spirit with a warming up based on flogging or spanking. He got to see when I was coming too stressed and excited, and would give me a spike to relax so that after I could focus on my slave obligations.

This is why on the day of the gathering, I tend to ask ‘How’s the energy?’ followed by ‘How’s been the stress lately?’. I might then encourage some maintenance pre-session if there has been some stress and I feel the greediness in his words. I don’t feel used as a service top for giving something that will help relax and be more obedient through the long session. And the slave might still say no to the offer of maintenance, which means that the attitude will be monitored closely, and impatience and pushiness attitudes hardly punished with no option to be disappointed.

But stress can affect the ability to experience pleasure instead of pain. Stress can overstimulate sensory nerves, and impact play and other forms of play that touch the skin, generating a very painful sensation that doesn’t turn on. A pre-warming or maintenance can serve as a way to identify any change on the usual pain thresholds and decide to adjust the intensity of the session, and which plays might be best not to explore. I’ve been there, and I can tell that I appreciate when Master reduces impact in favour of more bondage because that pain takes me out of the session, whereas the stress-induced hypersensitivity enhances the good feelings from the pressure of the leather restraints on the skin.

Different play spaces ready for the  milestones

I find necessary building play spaces around the milestones. It’s the first thing before even starting the session, a few minutes invested in having things ready. I look to have something in each room, in a way that each could serve a specific milestone. A chair in the kitchen? I leave the ropes around, a gag and some toys that I can use on a tied sub for a scene with the policeman. In the bedroom I will leave four ropes already tied to the bed legs for some spread eagle play, leaving toys like a pumping set and electro. An area with a sofa might be the fisting space, so I put the plastic blanket and I leave the gloves, cream and cleaned toys. And maybe in front of a nice office chair or armchair I leave the bondage board, with the leather restraints, other gags and toys.

The advantage of having things in groups and spreaded is that it facilitates transitioning into a different experience as an experience in itself, maybe with the sub crawling while being pulled from the collar chain.

If one play ends, it’s easier to jump into the second play space which is ready and transition into the next scene without an interruption. In this way there is no time spent tidying up before continuing. In a later break, the sub can be asked to tidy the used spaces while the Dom is relaxing a bit and preparing mentally for the next round, and still the sub will be curious (and maybe with some fear) of the unexpected surprises not yet revealed as they are waiting in the unexplored areas of play.

Transitions, giving space or being closer

During the scene I need to monitor the energy of the sub, and stop when it is reaching exhaustion. I then will switch to something that relaxes the muscles involved and allows a mental rest as well. If there has been impact, it’s important to have a blanket around for the probable sudden coldness that the body experiences in long impact scenes, and even lead it into the bed to be properly covered by blankets and a duvet while hugging. 

I find it very effective to do stimulation during transitions, in the form of nipple play, light CBT, cock pumping or milking/edging. Always sitting comfortably and still well restrained.

For some aftercare during the transitions, I like to have massage oil at the side of the bed, ready to be used after an intense bondage position or just for relaxing a bit while the sub is smelling my armpits. Moisturising cream after impact play is another one to leave at the side of the bed, to revitalise the skin and massage the bruises gently. 

In general transitions bring aftercare and proximity. But sometimes the sub might need to process the new experience that just happened, and giving a pair of minutes of being on his own is needed. Also, it helps to observe what the sub is doing after the play, if coming close and looking for the hug, or keeping around the boots with a distance from where to process. However, he might be in subspace and unsure if initiating an approach, and just waiting for the command. This is why I find it positive to ask openly if the sub wants a pair of minutes of mental rest or wants to come to Sir.

Feedback after the session

I try to get some feedback after the session, and even at the end of each day within a long session. I discourage asking just at the same moment of finishing the scene, as in that moment the emotions are flowing and whatever is said will not include the feelings from the landing. And it feels more like it’s a moment of sensuality rather than analysis.

Usually I look to know at that one thing that the boy is remembering and getting excited from that memory. Sometimes it might not be the one we expected to be, and this is fine. What matters is that these are the plays to be kept in the reward zone, and for which the sub needs to work hard to get.

In some way, the first session is the free trial. It’s the session where we both discover what we can do together, and the best scenes must be acknowledged and saved as high rewards that will not be given for free from now on. In the second session the boy will have to work harder on what brings me pleasure and on his obedience, if he wants to experience again those scenes that he enjoyed so much.

In the end, I want to get obedience not from the fear of punishment, but from the willingness to please me to get rewards.

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