A collared slave

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I have already shared that I earned my collar in January 2019, an important moment in my life which was followed by a celebration in Antwerp. But what next? What happens when switching from the slave mindset into the collared slave one? And indeed, why I made that step in that moment with my Master?

I want to articulate in this blog post my own experience, with where I was in that moment of my life that triggered the need to become a collared slave. Like everything in this blog, this is just my own experience – as in everything in BDSM, there is not a single approach and way of doing, so pick the following sections as just one of the ways of becoming and being a collared slave.

A need for deeper connection

I started BDSM with an exploration mindset, having sessions with different Sirs and Masters as each would bring different experiences. With those that I would click in wavelength I had more than one session, and I would give it all to become a good slave. From each, I took the things that made me feel a better slave and learn from the mistakes as we went through our own discovery. It was fun, and this freedom allowed me to find out what I liked and what I didn’t; this freedom allowed me to experience real subspaces and discover which were the triggers to enter them.

At some point around late 30s it felt like I needed something more – playing with different people didn’t allow to go beyond certail level, and it felt it stayed at the ‘sexual’ approach of BDSM of enjoying scenes of bondage or flogging, but was lacking the type of play that develops with someone you get to trust more and communicate better through a deeper connection. Adding to this feeling, I was finding now-and-then unskilled Dominants that didn’t take the responsibility seriously, and also those suffering from Dom-Disease, those in the community that think BDSM must be done in their way and are not open to feedback, and that even bring blame on the sub side when it was the Dom the one not honoring the agreed safety framework.

I cannot recommend enough to any sub to explore and have experiences with different Doms before taking the step of going for a collar with someone. I’m happy for those that found the one in the early stage of their journey, but it usually takes time to understand oneself and what type of Dom is the one that will be honored with sub’s service.

To me, it just happend that at some point I had experienced enough to know what where the qualites I needed from a Master to feel the connection, and which were the Dont’s. The final trigger was an event where I saw a leather family and witnessed their dynamics and degree of connection, which finally made me realize that the emptiness I was getting in my BDSM life could be just that I was needing to make the step to commit to a single Master that would allow me to grow and experience a deeper space. I wanted to learn to serve in all possible ways by wearing the collar of the right Master.

A choice inspired by ethical Doming

Being collared is a big step in a Dom/sub relationship, specially in Master/slave where the nature of the imbalance is set on ownership. In my view, this means that the slave, under contract and collar, initiates a journey towards Total Power Exchange dynamics, and this means choosing the Master that feels right, and not being driven by rush. And I know quite a lot about having rushed myself in my experiences from my Master side – I talk about this later in this post.

Once I understood what qualities I needed from a Master, I realized that the Master I had been serving more often was indeed the one exhibiting those qualities. Besides the benefit of sharing the same cultural background which facilitates communication and earning trust, He had been driving our sessions through an ethical Dom style and care towards me. By ethical, I mean having a style that is human and that values His posession, that trains and punishes through proportionate actions, that is empathetic and that can make the slave feel supported and safe.

The relationship cannot be driven by fear or aggression, so we need to understand the different types of fear – there is a ‘good’ type of fear, and a ‘bad’ type of fear. A BDSM relationship carries some degree of fear around being punished or disappointing the other side, but it cannot cause the sub side to be constantly terrified of their Dom, as this could be justifying an abusive relationship. In BDSM we need to understand the difference, specially if we are going to be collared.

Not just that Master had made me feel comfortable and safe, but had managed conflict when arose and accepted feedback. He was already inspiring me as a role model driven by commitment, reciprocity, respect and laid back attitudes.

The meaning of the collar

Despite BDSM enthusiasts might have different views towards what represents a collar, quite common ground is that the collar means trust and commitment, and while is the slave the one wearing it, it also symbolozies Master’s trust towards the slave and His commitment to the slave.

On top of this common ground, there are different interpretations. The first thing is understanding what represents the collar for a specific Master, and understand what are the views towards it. For some people that live the 24×7 lifestyle, the collar might only be granted when the submissive embraces a life of full slavehood. For others , maybe the collar is granted to someone that became regular after some time. I would not judge anyone for being too quick or too slow in reaching the stage of the collar because I have been there already. This is not that different from marriages, where for some people it take years of partnership before getting married, whereas others might feel the need to do it sooner.

At the end, the collar is just a start of the new level of relationship, and the collared slave will still have a path ahead of progression. The effort it takes to earn the collar might be subject to interpretation to each Master, but maintaining it still requires trust and commitment.

In any case, what matters is that both sides are in the same wavelength and interpretation of what means the collar and how this will transform the relationship.

Asking for the collar, earning the collar

The collar represents a bond that happens in both sides, so I don’t think there is a rule that states who is the one to initiate the conversation and ask for the collar, similarly to my believe that anyone can ‘ask the hand’ of the partner that loves.

However, after having had experiences in both sides, I realize now that the times when I was the one initiating the conversation, this potentially could put the submissive under pressure and bring a ‘yes’ when indeed the relationship wasn’t that mature for reaching that stage. So now I recognize that it has made a difference that I was the one, the submissive, that asked for the collar to my Master.

Once the ask has been done and if the Master accepts, there is the expectation of a training/test time before earning the collar. When the training period starts, the already defined rules around the play framework are closely observed and punishment in case of errors increases significantly. It is an interval of having more sessions and testing also a new level of rules, a time to build an extended version of the existing protocol that incorporates rules more tied to ownership, a time that ensures that the level of service is at the level that the Master has set to earn His collar, and that the slave is living the difference of reality vs fantasy.

This period lasts the time that the two parts agree, leading to either getting the collar or just realizing that this new stage in the relationship is not what was expected. Now I think it’s wise to make this testing period last at least one year or year and a half, with ocasional encounters. If the relationship is solid and build with good foundations, there are odds that the relationship remains solid and with good ground even after the new relationsip energy vanishes past the year and a half, and the challenges and reality put the relationship to the test. This period has to lead to the certainty that both sides feel fulfilled, before making the big step.

In my case, I had been playing already with my Master for many years so I was already trained into the rules. Still, it took 9 more months to earn the collar.

Maintaining the collar

Once the collar is granted, the bar rises continuously. It’s a path where new commitments and sacrificies are either requested by the Master or given as a gift from the slave. As slave, it’s a continuum of offerings that are given now and then as a way to prove devotion and commitment – I put my attention on the desires and wishes of my Master, I look at things He likes and things He doesn’t and incorporate those into my offerings so they come as unexpected surprises, I look at how to make His life easier by maintaining a kinky calendar of events, I offer more visibility into my kinky life so He feels the ownership on Me, I offer gifts around control, etc…

While Masters and slaves can be doing these things now and then as to maintain the relationship, as happens in any relationship, the anniversary of the collar is a special time to me, as I write a letter of grattitude to my Master for the privilege and His gifts to me during the previous year, and where I also offer to Him a new set of offerings. As a collared slave, I want to make sure that every year is a new opportunity of bringing more to my owner.

At the same time, the slave has the expectation that the collar means a higher priority when planning sessions. As Master, I look at honoring it by bringing more sessions to my collared slave than to anyone else; as collared slave, I appreciate and celebrate that my Master requires my services more often.

The (kinky) family extends

So the relationship is not just about prioritizing sessions, it extends into caring of the collared slave. The collared slave and its Master become family.

As a Master owning a collared slave, I look at maintaining regular communication to make sure my possession is good, healthy and fulfilled, and I also prioritize when planning a session and choosing who comes next. Sometimes life doesn’t allow to do all follow-ups that I wished I could do, but on best effort it’s good to schedule regular ‘maintenance’ sessions and do regular check-ins to feel the relief of knowing that it is doing well and enjoying its time.

The collared slave deserves care and attention, as an appreciation of the good level of service, trust and commitment. As a starter of this concept, I set a rule at the being in the earning phase for a slave that asked to be collared:

• The slave must keep its commitments and obligations in regards of ‘vanilla’ life in good balance with the kinky life, meaning the professional career, life responsibilities and friends and adopted family are all taken care as now. An interference with ‘vanilla’ life will be discussed and might lead to a pause in the slave life

To me this rule becomes the north star that drives my understanding of my extended family – to show the slave that it is cared and loved, and that the care goes beyond the time we put for our sessions.

The certainty that my family extended became as a realization from my Master actions, who not just has been keeping good regular communication but also has provided support in difficult moments, being there for me at the level that anyone would have expected from a close caring familiar. A true role model that I’m eager to follow, a mentor that guides me, the father that I never had before.