A collared slave
August 9, 2024
Until now, I’ve written mostly about how I build a BDSM relationship oriented to session – I’ve gone through attitudes, safety, ideas to establish good communication and clear expectations with the other half, tips to prepare a session and how to navigate through it… BDSM can be just about building through sessions 1-to-1 relationships with individuals and connecting on a deep level.
This session-oriented 1-to-1 approach can be enough for many, me included. I find it a highly fulfilling way of enjoying the lifestyle for someone predominantly sadomasochistic, and as a result it becomes a great way to build up the skills – with more and more experiences, the confidence and the skills improve, and at some point the sessions become more relaxed, intense and rewarding, and part of the session preparations shifts into more improvised style. Practice makes the Master, and eventually everyone gets a series of scenes and techniques that are very well learnt.
At some point I felt I wanted to enjoy the kinky scene through gatherings and parties – there was a need of connection and finding my tribe, there was an interest in learning by seeing the technique of other BDSM enthusiasts and maybe connecting with some, and there was the rush of my exhibitionist side that wanted to feel the power of doming in public.
Instinctively, as my energy is so tied to building up BDSM scenes, I just focused on finding venues and parties that would be session-oriented, so I could be social and at the same time recharge through play. Some cruise clubs with darkrooms and play areas organize BDSM parties, so this tends to be the easiest way to start navigating. Eventually, Quälgeist Berlin became my top one reference, and quite recently I discovered Hunter London which is now competing for the same position.
In such places, as I was consolidating more of my Master’s side, I could go with those well-learned scenes that I could exhibit with confidence regardless of having people looking at me. With this approach, my social anxiety was reducing more and more, as I could have breaks where to reenergize through the endorphins and pleasure of driving a scene based on flogging and impact.
This is why for many years I’ve tried to prioritize going to social gatherings where I would find a BDSM play area, especially if having a Saint Andrew’s cross for flogging or spanking, which is a comfort zone and happy place.
Unfortunately for me, nowadays session-oriented events are less prevalent than social-oriented events. It’s not that there are less session-oriented events now, but that there has been a greater increase in the number of events that don’t include play spaces, so I’m finding that social-events are much more prevalent in the kinky scene when compared to the decade of 2000s.
In my opinion, I see two factors contributing to this new reality. In one side, the massive social change brought by social networks around communication and connecting communities, together with an effective effort of the leather and rubber cultures to raise awareness and acceptance in open-minded societies, has contributed to the substantial increase of fetish events in non-kinky venues, which in most cases cannot support BDSM scenes around impact, pain and anything messy.
Secondly, there seems to be less need for public BDSM oriented play spaces for those in the sadomasochistic (SM) side of the acronym. The scene has strengthened the power dynamics around presence and position built around the capacity to have expensive garments and building rapport through networking, moving in lower ranks the task and knowledge powers that come from mastering some BDSM disciplines that require technique. As a result, this has facilitated the incorporation to the public scene of those kinksters that strongly feel the fetish of leather and rubber, while not having an interest in pain related practices.
This doesn’t mean that someone strongly dragged by the leather culture will not have great skills around BDSM techniques – quite a big bunch do! However, social-oriented events by their nature attract Doms that might wear a flogger hanging and yet not mastering the basics of how to use it, differently from session-oriented parties where people attending tend to have built some solid foundations on their areas of expertise, as people around will have the opportunity to appreciate (and assess) their quality and style through the scenes they build up.
I do think that this more inclusive side of social-oriented events is not inherently bad, as I think that session-oriented environments can be very intimidating, so it’s great we have spaces that anyone feel encouraged to attend regardless of the skill level and tastes. However, for precaution, a social-oriented event is not in itself an environment I would look at connecting with someone for a session without having gone through vetting, whereas in a session-oriented event I would be happy to engage with someone that has conquered my interest.
So when I know about a party happening, I ask some questions to know what type of event is, so to know what I can expect: Is there a play space? Are there St Andrew’s crosses or spanking areas (more SM focused), or suspension frames (more rope bondage focused) or slings (more fisting and fucking focused)? Is there any hidden corner? Does it come very packed of people that just want to fuck? Are there any rules preventing impact play scene, nudity and/or fuck?
With that, once I have found the type of party and if I see it’s the one I will have a chance to develop a scene, I look at attending with someone I already know and that would be happy to have some impact play in public – people don’t usually want to be flogged by a stranger, which is a very smart move. By bringing a sub with me, not only I’m going to enjoy it with a great trustful kinkster (and hopefully he does as well), but also I will also have the chance of disconnecting from the social context (sometimes even an emergency exit to escape from an uncomfortable social context), and recharge by doing what I most enjoy.
At the same time, when the scene finishes, this tends to open the opportunity to some people to initiate a conversation around the scene, which is a great ice breaker and usually an opportunity to get to know people in the kinky scene while enjoying a drink. And any time when the social time is over and I need to recharge, going for a new scene is a good way to go back to the happy place.
It can happen that rather than just a conversation, what it’s conquered is the consent of some watchers that offer themselves for a scene. While this might seem flattering, it can become daunting, and even uncomfortable, because some people can become very pushy to get what they want.
Like when someone kneeled and licked my boots while grabbing my leg and not letting me go; or when someone seemed to see me as a sex-deliverer and started asking for a fantasy-menu that they would like; or when someone started crying and begging for a scene trying to appeal to pitiness; or when someone entered the scene with my boy without prior conversation and consent; or, unfortunately too often, when someone came nicely and politely to appreciate the skills and immediately asked who was the last one in the queue, so they get their turn.
By going to events, the experiences will help improve communication to set clear boundaries and expectations. It requires going through difficult situations and conversations, but most importantly learning to understand my own motivations, desires and limits, and that each person is responsible for managing their own frustrations and disappointment when not getting what they want. For me, feeling I failed to meet my own needs and ending being a service top for everyone else is how I will end the event feeling it was a negative experience.
Fortunately, there are those that know how to find the moment to approach. Those that presented themselves nicely and gave a good chat while having a beer, without making me feel I was being pushed. They might not get a scene from me that time, but they gave me the social interaction I was looking for and left a sexy good impression that for sure will be remembered the next time our paths cross.
