Note: all content here are solely my opinions, views and things I’ve incorporated in my plays, as well as resources that have helped me. This is not intended to be a handbook of any type.
Note: I’m not a psychologist, consider below information as a theory based on my own experiences and the way I approach and adapt to subs based on how I have enjoyed myself each of those mindsets, and how I use this as a Master to build my scenes
My purpose with this article is just to explain what I consider that are the 8 mindsets of sub play, based on 3 ‘parameters’. It’s about how I experience each of them as sub, how I identify someone playing in any of them, and what I take in account from the Dom side. Because I believe that BDSM foundations are trust and having clear honest communication, but also about understanding human nature and the complexities of the mind.
Each M/s story is unique. It’s about the connection of 2 people looking for the rush of the power imbalance at each side of the leash. And on top of the complexity of 2 individuals, there are different type of sub play, of mindsets: the gimp, the pushy bottom, the power bottom…
From my experience, each of these mindsets carry different approaches at play, that as Dom I find good to consider. Imagine what happens when Dom side is excited by a gimp-type and being aroused by a submissive attitude, but then meets a brat type that gets the rush from the uncertainty of the Dom’s response to insubordination. Unless there is some understanding of each other’s triggers and adaptability to the other side, the play might not be fulfilling and lead to disappointment.
Regarding the different mindsets, each brings different experiences, and while some people adhere to a specific mindset, it’s pretty usual to find people that enjoy changing the mindset, even dynamically during one single scene.
Before going into the real meat – this article is not about putting a category and following a manual. Every person is different. With every Master and every sub, I start from scratch, developing the own language, agreements and discovering the common fantasies. But I try to recognize the mindsets from patterns to take different approaches, to enjoy the most of the scene built together with the play partner.
I will include what I call the ‘dark plane’, the play happening in filthy waters. This article is not about encouraging people to play in the dark plane, neither judge those that play there. My personal approach is playing in the constructive plain, despite I might accept visiting for punctual periods the Victim mindset in the dark one with my Master, given that we have already built trust and communication from over 6 years of play now, and we have established safety mechanisms that I want to share.
But big warning – this is a type of play that can leave scars and awake deeply rooted daemons. The brain is something malleable and changeable, and such play has important risks if this is the “baseline” play of a BDSM relationship. Indeed it could be argued if this is BDSM or not, but as it happens and exists in the scene, I want to talk about it openly as I see it, hoping it fosters precaution and helps building up better safe-guard mechanisms.
Because not every Dom in M/s scene is a Sir. I believe that a Sir is that one that will always take care of the sub/slave mental and physical health, as even the filthiest pig and the “unworthiest” maso animal, is at the end a human being with feelings and a future, a life with friends and family, career and aspirations. Someone that understand that the sub expects and deserves trust and care. And BDSM is prone to attract abusers and bullies that might not fit in what I understand as Sir, people that mostly look for subs playing in the dark plane mindsets.
The 3 parameters
The difference between all the 8 sub plays I have experienced myself have 3 elements, 2 of them related to the power exchange dynamic and 1 related to the pride and self-esteem.
- Degree of control in the action, the trigger: how the sub influence in the action, from not interfering at all and just letting it be totally managed/controlled by the Dom (submissive) up to having the control in it either as with a provocation or action (defiant)
- Degree of control in the reaction, the response: how the sub receives/accepts the action executed by the Dom, from a totally accepting position without interference or control (accepting), up to managing the response and influencing in the intensity/duration/impact (controller)
- The pride vs unworthiness component: if submissions is approached with pride and in a constructive way, or from unworthiness in a destructive approach. I consider this element the one that differentiates 2 plains.
I don’t see it as something static. I personally move around different quadrants, with strong preference for a pair of them, but visiting other ones occasionally, to say in a way.
I change mindset sometimes to get an extra push into limits, to help my Master graduate the intensity without having to talk or express safe words, or maybe I feel my inner child that excited and emotional wants so much to try that new torture toy that Master has revealed as a Christmas present, to fulfill a fantasy, and I demand that play like a pushy bottom that knows that there will be consequences…
The plain of pride
For me being a sub is giving the control to someone that has earned the trust, as trust shouldn’t be given freely. I learned from Masters that praised me when being a good boy/slave, and helping me push the limits with challenges, making me feel proud, as I was pleasing Masters. If I would have a moment of weakness of even in self-boicot, I would be punished for not trusting my own power. The words and play were constructive and would make me feel proud of my journey, the appreciation of my service and devotion at play, as a slave.
This is what I call the plane of pride, when all the play is aligned to grow and improvement, challenges and learning. Of course with a model of reward and punishment, in order to align the journey, but the usual language from Master is aligned to ‘good boy‘, ‘you should be proud‘, ‘I will not break you‘, ‘I will take care of you‘, ‘you made this well but yo need to pay for that insubordination before, so get ready to take it and in silence‘ and so on.
The safe mechanisms exist (which doesn’t mean necessarily verbal safe words), and after-care is considered. Along the scene and journey, the self-preservation is strong, and the boy/slave knows with certainty that if anything wrong happens, there will be care and help.
In this plain, as a sub I have mentally a “supervisor” taking care. The supervisor is the real me, out of play, the one aligned to self-preservation, aware of limits and that in the following day might need to go to work or visit some friends. If red alarms kick off, Dom’s real name is used and the scene is paused or stopped. The Dom side can also invoke the supervisor as an emergency exit, using sub’s real name to take him out of the mindset if required. This is why I recommend having a sub/slave name (or Dom name) different to the real name, so quickly both side “supervisors” can be triggered when the real names are used.
Degradation play can happen at this plain. Maybe as an objectification/furniture service, a punishment without reason that has to be taken to serve or to prove devotion. It’s about being degraded and feeling proud for being degraded, as being under Master’s boot on the ground, or used and abused, is a privilege and a play that must be taken with pride of the good slave that wants to please Master.
The following 4 have in common that everything is aligned to this positive side, and self-prerservation instinct tends to be strong.
Pushy-bottom
As a sub I approached BDSM with precaution, excited with fantasies that I wished to fulfil, but at the same time with some fear and distance. I was a newbie starting as a pushy-bottom, a beginning in this journey that tends to be common, and I would say desired.
In the extreme of this mindset, the sub wants a series of fantasies to happen. In advance might try to influence on the Dom to make him aware of those desires, but wants to obey and be submissive so much that tends to let things happen, not interfering in the trigger. The low control in the trigger however is compensated with a high control in the reaction, scared and worried if it will be too much, or if will be at the level of the Dom that so much desires.
Masters must earn trust, and it’s good to have precautions. As a pushy-bottom, you might have strong rope fantasies that make you visualize yourself as being tied in a specific position, or flogged on a St Andrew’s Cross but not knowing if you could stand that pain, or wishing to be fisted ignoring in that fantasy that 3 fingers cannot make their way yet.
In this mindset, the key is delivering more of the sub’s already-made fantasies and less of unexpected surprises. My Master made me aware of it: ‘Connect with his fantasies. Once found, make him cum and enjoy pleasure through them‘. I agree. Finding those fantasies allows me to build up the initial reward system for the slave, while I focus on building trust and communication.
I understand first session as the first contact, to identify in which mindset is the sub, discover the fantasies and align the scenes around them. But I start introducing that I want my pleasure, which as a Dom comes from getting the control – it might be small things that I do to build an initial protocol. Boot licking in the beginning and the end, maybe twisting a fantasy a bit so it’s the sub’s fantasy but with with some personal touches, to see if other plays can work, and to start making clear that the control must be mine.
I enjoy pushy-bottoms if it goes into a change and I start getting my pleasure, if control starts to be given to me. This means that I have earned trust and the sub is a real sub that might enjoy giving the control of all parts at some point (brat and gimp play).
The pushy-bottom mindset can be used anytime as well, used to help the Dom adjust the intensity.
Sometimes however I might have earned trust, but the sub wants to control every aspect, and doesn’t accept a reward/punishment system, but only getting reward. I understand in those cases that I have a power-bottom.
Power-bottom
A power-bottom controls both the action and the result. They have their already-made fantasies of being tied or caged, or whatever they have seen in porn and imagined themselves being done. They want it to happen in a specific way. If I try to get some control, and decide the game and activities, they tend to put their rules, and controlling every scene’s aspect, both the trigger and the reaction.
In those cases I end feeling I’m just serving their fantasies with no option of enjoying real power-exchange, so I’m not getting the rush I look for as dominant… as I’m not dominating, but serving someone’s wishes.
The difference with a pushy-bottom is that at least you can choose the plays with a pushy-bottom, but a power-bottom makes an agenda for you, and can change it any moment if he’s not getting that fantasy happen in that way.
Sometimes it still can work. I see those experiences as a learning opportunity for practising something specific and improve technique, while I let that guy enjoy in the way he wants. But I don’t see it as real sub play. I cannot imagine a trip into subspace if everything is controlled – controlling the whole experience is purely physical and it usually turns into enjoyment of direct pleasure by specific toys, but I believe that subspace cannot be found in this way. At least my trips to subspace come through giving all control, surrendering in body and mind, and letting the natural endorphins do the rest. And power-bottoms don’t surrender.
Gimp
I’ve used this name for the quadrant representing the submissive and acceptance type, but it might be misleading. A gimp is the silent puppet, a dummy, usually covered in leather or rubber like a human doll. Can be left in a side, stored in a cage, used as an object to hold a tray or kneeing with an ashtray attached to the mouth gag.
But the mindset I’m trying to represent is the submissive and accepting, that has learned to put Master’s wishes on top of the own sub’s desires and fantasies. It can be a slave, a sub in any form of play like an obedient pup, or the most “extreme” form of the gimp in which it’s just a puppet, the devoted one that serves and enjoys being used at Master’s will.
I’m including in this mindset the attitude of not influencing in Master’s actions and neither stop or regulate any response in its intensity or duration. Safe words apply of course, but it’s total submission and obedience.
As a slave, this is where I most enjoy. I get relief, disconnection from the daily intensity, I focus on one single thing during the scene, it’s my meditation, my spiritual retirement. Pain is cathartic and I just let it happen, it’s my Master who chooses and I just accept it and fly in the endorphins.
In this mindset of fully submission and acceptance is when I reached my first subspace (and the following ones to come), something that requires giving totally the control. In my case restraints and ropes are key, as being totally unable to move made me surrender that first time. It was through progressive flogging, suddenly my limits expanded, the pain wasn’t there and all was pleasure, I felt out of my body, each stink of the flogger was felt but enjoyed.
I think that this is the most rewarding play area. Total trust, good communication, feeling joy from the plays as planned by the Dom and taking the pain or dominance or the pressure of the ropes with pride, feeling that pleasing the Sir’s wishes is more than enough, and anything else that comes is a gift to be appreciated.
But as dominant, if the sub is deep in this mindset, sometimes it can be challenging to know if the sub is enjoying or wants more, as the sub might be in silence (maybe silence forced due to a gag), and any words are showing servitude. How to know if the sub can take more intensity or he’s already at the limit?
Dom and sub might have retrospective sessions to discuss the intensity of a previous session and know if the limits could have been pushed more in any direction, or even arrange in advanced codes to help with this during the play without having to use words. For example, Sir Zack agrees before starting the flogging session a specific code using 1, 2 and 3 fingers – good, push the gas, and brake. I personally like silence and staring at Master’s eyes, nodding for more, shaking head for less, and staring at the eyes with no movement as a response, that means that I’m at the limit and unsure of taking more (but willing to try gradually).
But for me, the Brat is the one that spices things up and can help adapt the intensity in a nice way: while gimp mindset tends to serve as a brake, brat mindset tends to serve as the accelerator.
Brat
The brat is the one that pulls the trigger which causes a reaction in Master, usually in the form of punishment. There is no control in the response, as the provocation is expected to have a terrible response. I particularly enjoy adding the brat now and then as spices up the play. It’s a way of making the Sir know that I’m pushing the gas, and that I can take a bit more.
Sirs that enjoy brats grin, and then can either rise the bar, or even decide to put at play the punishment system, switching from the reward one. Like dogs and babies, brats are looking for the boundaries and limits.
Masters tend to use those moments to make sure that the sub knows what will get if misbehaving happens, and at the same time both sides can get a taste of the limits: the slave gets those bruises that last the whole week after and bring good memories, and the Sir went a bit further in to the sadistic side without guilt, as the slave was provoking on purpose. It’s a rush for both sides.
When I’m being a brat, I’m also testing the Dom’s dominance. I expect punishment and not reward, but if this doesn’t happen and the Dom is not pissed off but even giving me what I want, then I feel I have defeated the Dom, and I don’t feel as a sub anymore. Similar to those dogs that feel the owner is weak and not leading, and they take over controlling the place.
In brat play it’s not only about test and limit discovery, but also the adrenaline. I tend to do it when I want more intensity, and I don’t know how much more I am going to get. And that’s scary, an adrenaline rushes with this uncertainty. And maybe I get nothing, or I get the double of spanking I ever had.
Not everyone enjoys playing with brats, I’ve met Sirs that look for devoted submissive slaves. They don’t find spicy a brat but more a downer, so be careful, try to sound this aspect with a smile during the pre-play conversations to see if you are in front of a brat-tamer or not.
The dark plain
All previous mindsets are based on pride, even brat. However each of them has a counter-part in the dark plane, based in unworthiness instead of pride.
The dark plane, or the plane of destruction, is when the all the actions and vocabulary come in negative form: as sub/slave I would be treated as unworthy, Master would not use prise, the feelings and mental or physical safety would not be considered properly.
Much of the porn usually shows BDSM as fantasies of degradation, not showing real play dynamics where safe-mechanisms are agreed, the consensual discussion takes place and the physical and emotional after-care is part of the scenes.
Some people however bring those porn-based fantasies to reality ignoring the pre-conversations, progression or safe-guard mechanisms, thinking that the sub exists to be REALLY abused. Those are not BDSM Sirs, but abusers. In BDSM there must be informed consent, but also some other aspects must be taken in account to differentiate BDSM from abuse.
Playing in this plain touches dynamics happening in abusive relationships, aspects like learned helplessness which is close related to depression, and can open the door to inner daemons, old traumas and feelings of low self-esteem. Consensual non-consent is controversial and edgy. Even the Victim mindset that can still have some degree of control is still intense and dangerous.
The apparent benefit of increasing the limits due to the numbness and the disconnection has the very dangerous side-effect of creating an association between pleasure and depression, so just be aware of the risks, and remember that degradation play can still be done in the plain of pride.
So a few observations from daddy Wolf before going for these 4 mindsets:
- Be very careful with the incursions you take on these mindsets and the time you are going to be mentally there
- I would have concerns of basing a D/s relationship in any of them as the baseline
- I would build trust and communication, and after many sessions and strong anchors and safety-mechanisms, discuss with trusted Master then those incursions in the filthy waters in controlled way and not in a public party
- Filthy waters tend to include a layer of chemical-driven euphoria – this is not a real subspace but an inducted high
- BDSM subspace and its high might take time to be reached, even years, but they don’t leave a bad hangover and the emptiness of the day after
Victim
In this mindset, the sub feels unworthy and is submissive, not influencing at all with the punishment and actions taken by the Dom. However, it controls the response, usually in the form of limiting the intensity.
This is in my opinion the mildest mindset when playing in the filthy waters. I believe this as still there is some control in the response allowing to still have a bit of the supervisor, usually in the form of a safe word mechanism that will make aware the Dom that the play is becoming too mentally intense.
I was dragged into this space when once I really failed to my Master, feeling that I have made a very big mistake, for which I deserve a punishment, feeling not worthy of being my Master’s slave. In this mental state, my body and mind were numb, and any the play that happened went around a sort of depressive state. I felt like thrown into a deep dark well, wishing that my Master would have mercy and forgive me.
From this experience, I added in our safe-mechanisms that if I ever was again in the mindset and feeling emotionally down, I was going to express ‘Master, this slave is deep in the well’, as a way to trigger a clear ‘rescue’ mechanism aligned to go back to the pride plain, with after-care based on praise and cuddling.
As a Dom, I have found some people reaching BDSM with this mindset, with complex pasts, low self-esteem sometimes and a feeling of unworthiness, looking for a Dom that punishes them for being unworthy and deserving all possible bad things. It’s in the initial conversations when getting to know more about the fantasies and in the early plays when I identify if this is the case.
I usually try to redirect the energy into the plain of pride, and not allow the play in the filthy waters to happen, at least not as the baseline, not as the initial mutual discovery. But while I believe that a Dom can positively influence a sub struggling in a particular moment of the life and even take a mentorship role, there are things that are better to be left for professional therapist, and it’s better not to try to tackle inner daemons, in my opinion.
Self-punisher
This one can be really dangerous for a Dom. The self-punisher is controlling every aspect similary to the power-bottom, but from an unworthiness mindset that tends to be tied to self-harm behaviors.
A self-punisher might offer pain as sacrifice, and control the intensity of the response similarly to the power-bottom, but the self-torture can turn to be not enough, with fantasies growing in intensity, and the Dom might become just a witness and not having any type of influence on that behaviour.
Like in a power-bottom, I don’t feel this is sub play as the control is not given in any way, only pretended if aligned to the fantasies and expectations. But in this case the spiral can drag the Dom as well into the darkness for just having been a witness, and being thrown unexpectedly into a hell of complications.
Suicidal victim
The aspect of ‘suicidal’ might rise eyebrows and lead to controversy. I don’t mean that someone playing here is going to commit suicide, but that is in an extremely vulnerable mindset that can really suppose a risk, if not being in good hands, and dig the sub into a very deep hole.
This is the gimp that has given all control in either the actions and the response, from a feeling of unworthiness and misery that shutdowns the will. It’s pretty close in feeling to be in a depression when you have lost hope and don’t expect anything: no pride, no control, just helplessness and having given up, feeling the rush of the dominance as being an animal unworthy of respect and care, and tolerating extreme activities due to the numbness and disconnection of these close-to-depression mechanisms.
Despite it seems pretty similar to the victim, the big difference is that the safe-words might have totally vanished, as the sub just lets things happen without an inner supervisor.
I find that reaching this state is a shortcut, and dangerous one. The proper subspace is reached from the gimp mindset, and one must train and develop trust, and it might take even years as it’s a journey of self-discovery. However through the dark version of it, the suicidal victim, the mechanism of numbness is triggered by the stress and learned helplessness, and is easily reached. Many times certain drugs are involved for 2 reasons: first to totally shutdown any trace of supervisor or control that might be left, and second to mask a bit the discomfort of playing with depression and learned helplessness, creating this layer of chemical-driven euphoria on top of the experience.
Suicidal brat and suicidal victim are usually the 2 type of mindsets that attract abusers, and pretty easy to find a few of them in dark basements during big events, like zombies.
While the absolute feeling of degradation can be here very intense, sexual play in this plane is conditioning the mind to associate pleasure and sexual arousal to very intense mechanisms of unworthiness and helplessness. This can easily leave long-term scars, and leave the sub in an extremely vulnerable situation in life.
Suicidal brat
Suicidal brat is the suicidal victim that pushes the accelerator to get more degradation and intensity, looking for a provocation from the misery and unworthiness, provocation that rather than being a challenging one as a proud brat would do, tends to be more aligned to self-punishment words and provocation of the Dom to get more intensity.
All I have said for the suicidal victim applies, but there is a component that I find that increases the risks and consequences already mentioned: the justification given to someone that could be an abuser.
Generally speaking, the purpose of a bratty attitude is to cause a provocation in the Dom, to get an extra punishment, testing dominance and pushing the gas. But at the same time, Doms then tend to find the inner desires unleashed, as the brat is provoking, so the increased punishment and sadism is “justified”.
A brat playing at the pride side still expects playing within the limits (or pushing around them) from still the respect and the as a challenge, with safe words in place. But in the dark plain, if we other side is an abuser, any restraint left of the morality or ethics can then be turned off by a bratty attitude. The abuser has a “valid excuse” to unleash any abuse as the brat was asking for it.
If the sub is driven by a chemical-driven euphoria, and the other side of the leash is not seeing a human being deserving trust and care, real physical or mental damage can happen with no one there to stop it before it’s too late. And the consequences will come the sooner or later.